a dream is an answer to a question you haven’t asked..

Black Swan - Thom Yorke

What will grow quickly, that you can’t make straight
It’s the price you gotta pay
Do yourself a favour and pack you bags
Buy a ticket and get on the train
Buy a ticket and get on the train

Cause this is fucked up, fucked up
Cause this is fucked up, fucked up

People get crushed like biscuit crumbs
And laid down in the bed you made
You have tried your best to please everyone
But it just isn’t happening
No, it just isn’t happening

And it’s fucked up, fucked up
And this is fucked up, fucked up
This your blind spot, blind spot
It should be obvious, but it’s not.
But it isn’t, but it isn’t

You cannot kickstart a dead horse
You just crush yourself and walk away
I don’t care what the future holds
Cause I’m right here and I’m today
With your fingers you can touch me

I’m your black swan, black swan
But I made it to the top, made it to the top
This is fucked up, fucked up

You are fucked up, fucked up
This is fucked up, fucked up

Be your black swan, black swan
I’m for spare parts, broken up

Allow me to talk about myself in extent for a while. After all, this is my blog.

And forgive me if my thoughts seem to run away from me. It’s 3 in the morning, and I’m greatly bothered.

I’m a very moody person. I’ve had good days and bad days, and terrible days. Those days I’m grateful my mom even puts up with my shit. But she’s my mom, which means she has to put up with me the same way I have to put up with her. Thank God for maternal love. Same goes for paternal and sibling love.

Despite that, I believe I’m a kind person. Kind to the point that people take advantage of it. I feel compelled to help, that sometimes I wonder if my help is needed or appreciated. It’s my fault for over-stepping the duties of friendship. Maybe it’s that selfish need to silence the nagging feeling that I could’ve done more as a friend. Maybe it’s my attempt to compensate for the times I’ve been cruel to another. But I’m still compelled to listen, to offer a hand, whenever I feel strong and brave enough for more than one person.

I’m also naive. I’ve trusted some despicable people; people who gave my heart murmurs of distrust which I brushed away thinking the goodness of man prevails. I have a few cruel lessons under my belt, and the wall keeps on getting higher. But there are those that persist to get beyond those walls, and for those people I am also grateful.

But I know when what I have to offer is not appreciated nor wanted. I have travelled my share in this two-way road. And in no given stable state of mind will I ever beg for someone to be my friend when he/she is tired of my company. It is not my loss but yours.

Someone who has few to keep should not have the audacity to express weariness and expect not to cause any offense. If different company is what you want, you are free to go beyond and find like-minded people. But do not expect people to beg for your charms, nor to take you without compromises of your own. Do not expect people to be accepting when the self-loathing simmers so closely to the surface. And most of all do not expect people to have the answers you seek when you will knowingly ignore any wisdom that is not your own.

Friendship is a mutual agreement, a consensus if you will. But there will be times one needs to be alone to grow. And with that, I will exercise some indifference, more than the usual bout. Even kind people get tired and impatient. Even the greatest of friends can be unbearable.

In a stable state of mind I would have held back. But I’m tired, stressed out, and unable to get my much-needed sleep. Despite the negative energy that I attract, I always think I’ve had a good day. But not today. Nothing irks me more than the thankless fool. And believe me when I say I’m being kind. I have a litany of double-edged thoughts that I shall keep to myself. Left alone is what you want, then it is what you shall get.

Shamefully, I am not a forgiving person. To be not forgiven means you have exhausted your allowances. Let us hope it does not come to that.

I need a break. I’m going brain dead. Maybe you are too, hence I’m sharing these..

- Penny Arcade’s take on the console wars - for Wired.com
- Tokidoki iskin goodness - my vote goes to Tsuru and milky time
- Colbert loves the Wii
- Amazing Gears of War XBox 360 case
- angry nintendo nerd salutes the wii with console puppet show

Camera Testing

{edited}

I finally bought it. The only thing that’s been missing from my artillery of digital convergence. Advance merry christmas to you, Weng.

After saying I wasn’t going to buy myself anything until I bought Belle’s bed, I succumbed to Apple’s marketing. Soooo weak.

I think Alan’s getting me Shure’s for Christmas, so I dun need to get new earphones. I still have to get him something sick though.

In consideration of my recent purchase, I’ve updated my wish list.

30 days before Christmas Eve, people. The anticipation is killing me. But before that, finals.

*****************************

I was sitting idly while the barista prepared my grande non-fat 3-pump hazelnut latte. The warmth of the delicious coffee runs through my body; the frothy foam tickling my lips. I was on my way to fulfill my destiny when I realized something was missing. I beckoned to the barista, who mouthed “I’m sorry”.

Looking around the coffee shop, I saw others like her, but I know they couldn’t complete me. I am compelled to find her, I must. The journey just would not be the same.

So the master of fate requires me to travel. And travel I go, weaving through the throng of people, barely dodging harm that could’ve ended it all. And through the crowd, I saw a glimpse of her, and my insides skip a beat.

And I remember every second until she was within reach. The splash of water by the nearby fountain. The jeering amongst friends standing close by. The other arms reaching for her but barely missing. And the barista calling out names just like mine.

Suddenly the wait was over. We were reunited and finally complete. And together we shall be until our purpose has been fulfilled and we both lay exhausted.

Her and I.

together again

******************
The Starbucks by Yonge St at Eaton’s only had lids for tall cups. I had to go to the other Starbucks kiosk just to get a cup lid, which involved some balancing, dodging and a short trip on the escalator. Try doing that with a cup filled with hot foamy milk. Whew.

A few months ago, my friends brought up this idea of making a website about us. Abs was going to make the intro movie, with the Friends theme song playing in the background. And since Christmas was around the corner, we were going to include the functionality of making wish lists and having people anonymously mark off gifts they chose to give somebody.

But life happens and we find ourselves scrambling for any free time to hang out. Before’s Mhe’s birthday, I didn’t see my friends for an entire month with the exception of Louie since I see her after our accounting class. To say I’m busy is an understatement, and it was mainly because I was busy with two weeks of midterms and other engagements with the clan.

This year, it looks our Christmas get-together has dwindled to a party of 5. It’s sad, but what can you do? It just stands to prove who’ll be with you, 10, 20 years down the road.

Enough of that. On a lighter note, people have been asking what I want for Christmas. I know it’s hard to give anything because I’m likely to buy whatever I want. I’m trying to come up with a reasonable wish list but I just ended up rehashing my birthday wish list.

Needs:
- HUGS!!! KISSES!!! (wet ones conditional) GOOD WISHES!!!
- a cappuccino machine (starbucks!!!)
- A good pair of black leather gloves

Things I’ve been meaning to get
- Comfy loafers
- Black everyday shoulder bag
- A blue guitar
- DVDs for Lakehouse, Fast & Furious: Tokyo Drift, Click, House Season 2, CSI
- CDs for Our Lady Peace, Gwen Stefani

Gaming Specific
- Okami (PS2)
- Guitar Hero II (PS2)
- Final Fantasy III for the DS
- WTF!!! * new
- Mini SD card for my phone / ds

If you have money to burn
- XBox 360 with Gears of War - wishful thinking haha * updated
- Shures, Bose or Ultimate Ears - Alan’s bid * updated
- Ipod Accessories - planning to get a 30gig VPOD
- 1 gig memory for a Vaio SZ120P
- Ipod case! * updated got one from tokidoki instead

Always welcome:
- Milan Kundera, Haruki Murakami books (refer to NO list), Confessions of A Shopaholic book series or any good book
- Anything from megatokyo (like volume 4) or penny-arcade (like the fruit fucker shirt and “jesus says don’t be a dick” shirt)
- Cashmere things - who doesn’t like cashmere?
- Sweaters, wraps and scarves, in argyle, solids or some funky design
- Gift cards, movies passes - spec. for Mark
- Food - Chocolate!!! Chinese beef jerky!!! Congee Wong Treat!!!
- Socks - the manly kind or wool
- Lavender Bubble Bath from the Body Shop
- Anything related to Final Fantasy, Anime/Manga (Bleach! Naruto! Yakitate!), Gackt, T.M. Revolution, The Pillows
- OPM CDs
- Game Magazine subscriptions
- Starbucks card - new blue winter design! (coofffeeeeeeee…..)

Growing up gifts:
- more “feminine” clothing (Louie gave me a look when I said this again) L in Gap, L (knits) or XL (dress shirts) in BanRep, Size 12/14 Gap/Banrep respectively bottoms
- makeup (ooohhh now you know I wasn’t kidding bout this)
- shoulder bags that’s big enough to hold my wallet(s), psp, book, sunglasses, moisturizer and the odd knick-knacks
- accessories (because I never had the patience to pick em)
- perfume (Vera Wang’s Sheer Veil, or anything light, citrus-based or not sweet/fruit-based because it makes me hungry)

NO:
- (Literally) green things
- Anything that has pineapple or coconut
- Milan Kundera (Unbearable Lightness of Being, Book of Love and Laughter, Traveling w/ A Salmon), Haruki Murakami (The Elephant Vanishes, Sputnik Sweetheart, Hard-boiled Wonderland)
- Harry Potter books (coz I own every single one of em)
- Jammies, because I have at least 10 pairs

To be honest, I barely have time to sleep, much less play games. I still haven’t tried out the FF12 demo Robbie lent me (gomen!) and still have to finish Roco Locco on the PSP. And now, work is piling, as well as school work and looming finals. Sigh. I need a vacation so badly.

I’ve done my Christmas shopping except for Belle’s, who wants a bed and Alan’s, who wants a lot of stuff most of which I can’t afford hahaha. Getting Alan anything is tricky because he’s a lot like me: banrep whore, gadget addict who wants a lot of sick things but would rather spend the money on something (unknown yet) more meaningful. He has yet to tell me what’s on his wish list.

Anyhow, I’m putting off buying myself anything until I get Belle her bed. That itself might cost me 4 bills. Howell, it’s a better gift than last year’s Coach Rabbit fur bag. ^_^

I hope the wish list helps. It need not expensive, just well-though of.

I saw the musicale Wicked with Louie last friday. It takes on the story of Elphaba, the so-called wicked witch of the west. A well-written story supported by an amazing cast of performers whose characters were meant just for them. Witty, sarcastic, humorous, and well.. very green.

Truly, it redefines a person’s definition of ‘wicked’. At some point, I could relate so much with Elphaba and Glinda. But it’s been decided I shall be Glinda, while Louie shall be Elphaba.

A few songs into the show, I knew I had to get the soundtrack. And so I did. And I shall go on a musicale phase once more; a few weeks of non-stop playing of the soundtrack similar to what happened when we saw Hairspray.

I’ve uploaded the soundtrack on my multiply just in case somebody wants to give it a spin. Here’s one song I’d like to share to my dearest friends, and my Elphaba.

For Good - Wicked (2003 Original Broadway Cast)

(Elphaba) I’m limited
Just look at me - I’m limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda
So now it’s up to you
For both of us - now it’s up to you…

(Glinda) I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I’ve done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you…

(Elphaba) Because I knew you…

(Both) Because I knew you…
I have been changed for good.

There’s a fire - Ok Go, Ok Go Album

Stop getting me off track.
I mean it, there’s a problem here.
This time it is for real…
how can I make myself more clear?

I never say quite what I mean, and never mean quite what I say,
and how did that get out of me, and what the hell did I mean to say?

This time it is for real.
This is a real emergency.
This time I swear it is the truth…
This must be dealt with urgently!

I never say quite what I mean, and never mean quite what I say,
and how did that get out of me, and what the hell did I mean to say?

There’s a fire. There’s a fire.

I really mean it now,
this time I swear I have not lied.
This isn’t like the last time…
I swear to God I have not lied!

I never say quite what I mean, and never mean quite what I say,
and how did that get out of me, and what the hell did I mean to say?

There’s a fire. There’s a fire.

This is my latest fave band. Not only is their music upbeat, they have some of the most creatives videos I’ve ever seen.

MTV Live Performance of Ok Go’s Here It Goes Again

Original Here It Goes Again intermeshed with MTV Live Performance

Ok Go’s A Million Ways

I’ve shared their latest album on my multiply, so feel free to give their album a spin.

Narrator: In A.D. 2006, Web was beginning.
Captain: What happen ?
Mechanic: Somebody set up us the journal.
Operator: We get signal.
Captain: What !
Operator: Main browser turn on.
Captain: It’s you !!
CATS: How are you users !!
CATS: All your base are belong to Us.
CATS: You are on the way to 404.
Captain: What you say !!
CATS: You have no chance to reach your page. Make your spelling correct.
CATS: Ha Ha Ha Ha ..!

** Supposedly from livejournal’s 404 error page. Geeky!