a dream is an answer to a question you haven’t asked..

Albeit the previous shitty week, the weekend was better. No arguments with parents because I vaccuumed the house and I partially cleaned my room. My dad even helped me set up my hanging shoe bags from Ikea and the book shelf our nice neighbor, Martin, kindly donated to my mis-matched collection of furniture.

I spent half of saturday cleaning the floor, re-arranging furniture and bagging clothes I would never/can’t wear. I’ve finally let go of clothes I’ve held on for sentimental reasons. One of which was this ratty-ass stained gray Ralph Lauren shirt that meant so much to me. I looked homeless in it, but there was a time it meant so much. After a brief whiff, a momentary flashback, I realized I felt a slight fondness but nothing else. No longing, no hate. Just a brief recollection and that was that. Like the last rays of sunset before the darkness swallows the sky completely. The slightest feeling of respect for something that was good and at the same time, complete disregard and detachment.

I can be happy with on my own. I am stronger on my own.

After the briefest of moments, the gray shirt went into the garbage bag. Next comes the boxers I fought so hard to keep and other shirts that got me through the loneliest of nights. Yes, I can get a bit uncomfortably cheesy at times. All those things joined the rest of unwanted stuff I’ve accumulated all these years. Next stop will be Value Village where hopefully someone can see my trash at their treasures.

I’ve conquered one chest of drawers but an entire closet remains to be dealt with. No matter, I have the weekend to purge it of evil spirits and bad wardrobe choices. I did swear to mold my current wardrobe to be more polished and mature. Mature. Hah. Typing that made me laugh.

I needed to pick up Louie’s bag before the mall closed so I decided to take a quick break and head for the mall. Danier disappointed again and I had to order Louie’s bag for the third time. Hopefully the next time they call they would actually have the bag in pristine condition. Belle and Alan get off at 7:30 so I decided to kill time by looking for some new jeans. Banrep’s pretty limited, so I headed to Gap.

Miracles of miracles. I fitted in a size 12 ankle. OMG!

Now I really need to return that pretty skirt from Banrep. Size 10 doesn’t seem so unrealistic now. I’m so happy, I need to go to the gym to burn all this excitement! Hopefully the all-you-can sushi and chinese food this weekend didn’t do much damage. Despite the frappuccinos and machiattos, sushi and fried chicken, I’m actually shrinking. Me, shrinking! Oh the joy!

Re little triumphs, aside from that fitting into a size 12, I managed to place 2nd in the 2nd round of our bowling games. I placed last the first game. Mark came first for both games (good for you, something you can tell people you’re good at). Angelo aimed for third place and kept it for both games. Sarah placed 2nd in the first game and switched places with me for the second game. Good cheap fun people! We should do it again sometime.

I should stop typing and head to the gym. My hands have had their work-out for today. Ja ne!

I haven’t been up to blogging because of a number of things, mostly stress from work, my dad nagging me, and a stupid recruiter. The first two are constants in my life, so let me tell you about the third one.

I’ve been working as a programmer for roughly 5 years now. I have to admit it hasn’t been easy, esp. when I first graduated from school. Nobody wants to hire a newbie programmer fresh from a college (not a university). After I ditched my stable Canadian Tire Co-op thanks to my dad and ex’s cajoling, I spent the next 7 months miserably looking for a job. Miserable is a great understatement, because in a way I made everybody around me miserable too. I think that’s one of the reasons my last relationship suffered such demise and inevitable death.

Work has been stressful but stable. I’ve slowly learned to deal with work-related stress although sometimes it does get out of hand. And still the people around me suffer from my crabbiness and mood swings. In one person’s words, sometimes I act like I’ve given up on life and any future professional growth. I’m slowly easing off the complacency and jadedness, but it’s still a concious effort for me. Regardless of how many lines I’ve coded or how many sites I’ve published, in my head I’m still as green as that girl who graduated from Humber. I’m still not confident that I know enough and I guess that’s one of the reasons why I haven’t switched to a better paying job. In UIM, I can do as I wish, at my own given pace and choose what I think I can learn while I do actual relevant work.

Last monday a recruiter called me about a job. This is the third job he’s referred me to, of which the first 2 ones were ones I knew I couldn’t do because (1) I hate support and (2) the second job required financial experience. I politely told him to forward me the details of the job via email. This I always do in case one of my friends would be interested in the job and I could easily forward. He did email me, but it was more about the company instead of the actual job. He was adamant we meet during the week, but I told him I was really busy. That wasn’t even a brush off because I was really busy with deadlines and did not have the luxury for a 2-hour lunch meeting.

Tuesday was spent at a client’s Oakville office. By wednesday, the recruiter started calling me at work, requesting to speak with “Rowena” or “whoever is the team lead”. That’s the worst thing you could possibly do as a recruiter. For one thing, it puts my my current job at risk. And second of all, his so-called eagerness just put me off. I happened to talk to his superior last time they referred me a job and she told me he was new to the company, hence the enthusiasm. There’s enthusiasm and there’s harrassment.

Our admin has successfully fielded any calls from the recruiter directed via the default work number. Unfortunately he seems to know my extension and mobile by heart now. So yes, I’ve been avoiding calls. I now curse the fact I don’t have caller ID.

My mom tells me that somebody has left a message on our answering machine about a job. My family’s bad with voice mail, and the message was supposedly left last friday. My parents were home, but I guess nobody cared to pick up. Somebody checked it at least but forgot to inform me about it. I never answer the phone at home because my friends know better to call my cell or send me a txt msg. If it’s the same recruiter, he must be getting desperate. Makes you wonder, aren’t there any other programmers in Toronto willing to listen to his spiel?

Anyhow, to anybody else interested or who knows somebody interested, check out the company and their job oppotunities at the URL on the bottom. I’m not linking it because I want you to open a new browser and copy and paste it. Linking it would let them track my blog as a referring URL, and I don’t want that. See, I am smarter than I look. Lol.

Official Community Job Opportunity - Lead Web Developer
http://www.officialcommunity.com/opps/lead_web_developer.html.

I blame Kayam for this. Hmmph.

Rob Schneider on South Park

Paris Hilton on South Park

I dug this song up from my jpop archives. Been a while since I listened to some jpop. Love love love Utada Hikaru!

First Love - Utada Hikaru
Saigo no kisu wa
Tabako no flavor ga shita
Nigakute setsunai kaori
the last kiss
tasted like tobacco
a bitter and sad smell

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Anata wa doko ni iru n’ darou
Dare wo omotte ‘ru n’ darou
tomorrow, at this time
where will you be?
who will you be thinking about?

You are always gonna be my love
Itsu ka dare ka to mata koi ni ochite mo
I’ll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made
you are always gonna be my love
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I’ll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it’s still a sad song
until I can sing a new song

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugoki-dasou to shite ‘ru
Wasuretaku nai koto bakari
the paused time is
about to start moving
there’s many things that I don’t want to forget about

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
Watashi wa kitto naite ‘ru
Anata wo omotte ‘ru n’ darou
tomorrow, at this time
I will probably be crying
I will probably be thinking about you

You will always be inside my heart
Itsu mo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made
you will always be inside my heart
you will always have your own place
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
it’s still a sad song
until I can sing a new song

You are always gonna be my love
Itsu ka dare ka to mata koi ni ochite mo
I’ll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song
Now and forever…
you are always gonna be my love
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I’ll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it’s still a sad song
until I can sing a new song

What happens when you have a drama queen for a mom and an over-achiever for a dad?

Trouble.

I just finished a 3-hour talk with my dad. Contrary to what I previously told my dad, I did not go to the CNE. I actually spent the entire day helping out my friends from buying and building their Ikea furniture. We actually spent 5 hours at Ikea. Crazy but it’s true.

As soon as I got home, my dad starts talking about me getting a new family (ergo my friends) and that staying at home was optional. Nothing beats that for a welcome-home greeting. And as honest as I am on most times, ironically, talking to my dad forces me to lie because it would be the kinder or proper thing to do. As my mom put it, regardless of how wrong your parent is, he/she is still right. Hah.

My dad asks me, “what are you thinking?” Because I am exhausted, I answer honestly and say “I’m tired.” Wrong answer. My retort that came back was “don’t give me that bull-shit”. And people wonder why regardless of how upset I am, sometimes I hold my tongue because more often people looking for something negative will use what I say against me and construe it into some evil idea or action. It brings me great frustration when this happens, esp. when I feel my own parents can’t seem to understand.

My quest for the elusive degree came up, and I was asked why I wanted a degree. I simply said because it means something to me and it’s something I can mark as an achievement for myself. That, I’ve been told, is not a good enough reason because unless the degree contributes to a better you, it’s not worth it. My dad claims he has a degree but he doesn’t use it, and getting another degree would make much difference to him. That’s my point though. He has one and I don’t, so I will not understand his disregard for his degree in the same way he would not understand how much I covet that piece of paper.

To be asked repeatedly to think about my actions and “pinaggagagawa”, coined in such a negative but vague way is frustrating because it means unknowingly I have done something wrong again. For the nth time. It brings about that feeling that no matter what you do, you can’t make your own parents happy which makes you think, why bother?

To be asked what my future plans are makes me uneasy because I honestly don’t know what I see myself doing 5, 10 years down the road. At this very moment, my concerns are immediate (i.e. getting into Ryerson, getting my certification etc). If I honestly say I don’t know, I will be percieved as flaky and indecisive, with no goals for the future and doomed to walk at Walmart. In reality I really just don’t know.

To be told again and again that I am smart, but it is time I use my faculties is insulting. I might not be saying much but I assure you I am thinking about a lot of things. I might not share my immediate plans, but it doesn’t mean I have any. I might not speak of my disappointments but it doesn’t mean I am not greatly affected by them. Besides, whoever said I was that smart in the first place?

I’m tired and frustrated. I couldn’t hold my tears back, and I cried, in my dad’s bewilderment. I’m just really really frustrated. I’m trying and what little confidence I gain with my tiny triumphs need not be shot down by constant reminders of how immature and inadequate I am.

I do understand my dad’s concerns, I really do. And again, he raised valid points that’s why I can’t take our last long and hurtful conversation against him. He’s so worried I would eventually get trapped in a dead-end job or worse, become a dumbed smart person who refuses to use his potential. He’s just really worried.

I’m tired. I hope I can just sleep my frustrations away. Tomorrow should prove interesting.

Got this off friendster..

R- Fuckin sexy.
O- You are one of the best in bed.
W- You are very broad minded.
E- Damn good kisser.
N- You are absolutely beautiful.
A- You like to drink.

Ha… I am a broadminded, sexy, beautiful, drunken kissing machine. LOL.

Gomen, I’m brain dead at this hour. I know you’re bored so check what your names means.

A- You like to drink.
B- You like people.
C- You’re wild and crazy.
D- You have one of the best personalities ever
F- People adore you
E- Damn good kisser.
G- You never let people tell you what to do.
H- You have a very good personality and looks.
I- You have a fine ass!
J- Everyone loves you.
K- You are really silly.
L- You live to have fun.
M-sucess comes easily to you
N- You are absolutely beautiful.
O- You are one of the best in bed.
P- You are popular with all types of people.
Q- You are a hypocrite.
R- Fuckin sexy.
S- Easy to fall in love with.
T- You’re loyal to those you love.
U- You really like to chill.
V- You are not judgemental.
W- You are very broad minded.
X- You never let people tell you what to do.
Y- One of the best bfs/gfs anyone could ask for.
Z- Always ready.

Alright! Survived another week. Pat on the back for you weng!

I’ve had a rough week. That constant feeling of impending doom and the looming pile of emails, f-specs and code to read through had driven me to exhaustion. The only solace I have is Hell’s Kitchen and So You Think You Can Dance.

But I’m happy it’s friday. FRIDAYYYY!!! I intend to leave work early to pick up my special order bags from Danier and meet the trio for some korean bbq. I’ve been craving for some the entire week. After which, I’ll probably just head home to grab some much needed Zzs.

Last night, Weswie and I got to talking on YM. My new lappy-toppy, Hokuto (means north star , from Street Fighter EX LOL), has a decent built-in webcam/mic and I finally took the time to test it out. Well, I didn’t really know it had a mic, so while I was viewing Weswie’s webcam, she started a YM call. She told me to say something, and I mumbled “but I don’t have a mic! I don’t have a mic!” She started laughing and said “yes you do! speak up!”

I thought I didn’t have a mic because I had a mic port where you can attach a mic, which I don’t have. Hence, I assumed I didn’t have a mic. Not until later did I notice a sticker pointing to a hole in the upper middle lip of my monitor that read built-in camera and microphone.

It’s embarrassing when a geek doesn’t know how to use a webcam/mic. So sad. Lol.

Anyhow, Weswie and I talked until 1 in the morning. She made me realize I haven’t given her a call in years. We usually just send each other emails/ym messages/cards/pictures or read each other’s blogs. Funny how Weswie seems to be losing her chinese accent. No more dih-noh’s.

Weswie’s currently in Cebu and is heading back to Manila in a few hours armed with tapa (the chinese kind), longganisa and danggit. I’m looking forward to having her settled and talking to her again, this time with jebbs competing for some air time in front of the webcam. Yay, more stupid fun times.

Anyhow, I’m gonna jet. Have a great weekend people!

Tagged by Mida!

3 People Who Make Me Laugh:
Ich: Louie, with her golden humorous sarcasm
Ni: Robbie-kun, because he’s just innately hilarious *crazy tear*
San: Quy, when he shivers unexpectly and tries to apologize for it

3 Things I Love:
Ich: My odd family
Ni: My weird friends
San: Food!

3 Things I Hate:
Ich: People that are liars, hypocrites and cheaters
Ni: Ignorance
San: Horrible drivers

3 Things On My Desk (at work):
Ich: My Vaio lappy-toppy
Ni: Earphones
San: Piles and piles of f-specs, notes and printed emails

3 Things I Am Doing Right Now:
Ich: Building a shopping cart in VB.Net
Ni: Surfing bananarepublic.com
San: blogging

3 Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
Ich: Be the person that I can be
Ni: Find my big ‘O’ and possibly have a japanese wedding where everybody has to wear a kimono
San: Do all the “dangerous” sports I can will myself to try (snowboarding, skyjumping, bungee, etc.)

3 Things I Can Do:
Ich: With the right motivation, write brilliant code
Ni: Eventually forgive people of their transgressions, possibly forget too
San: Write with my left hand (I’m right handed)

3 Ways to Describe My Personality:
Ich: Eccentric
Ni: Easily bored
San: Can be overtly ecstatic

3 Things People Might Not Know About Me:
Ich: I’m actually a man.. LOL. My body is not symmetrical. My left ear is longer than my right ear. My right arm/leg is bigger than my left arm/leg.
Ni: I used to play the keyboards (8 years) and guitar which I traded for CAT officer training
San: I might not say anything, but I’m usually thinking to the point of over-thinking a thought

3 Things I Think You Should Listen To:
Ich: The tiny voice in your head
Ni: Your heart
San: Life’s lessons

3 Things I Don’t Think You Should Listen To Ever:
Ich: People full of bullshit
Ni: Telemarketers
San: My advice

3 of My Absolute Favorite Foods:
Ich: Sushi & Sashimi
Ni: Pork Congee w/ Century Egg
San: Korean BBQ

3 Things I’d Like to Learn:
Ich: Other languages like Japanese and French
Ni: How to drift like Takumi from Initial D
San: How to surf

3 Beverages I Drink Regularly:
Ich: Coffee (Starbucks & Timothy’s)
Ni: Booze in Cran&Vodka, Stella Artois and Mike’s Hard Cranberry form
San: H2O

3 Shows I Watched When I Was A Child:
Ich: Sesame Street
Ni: Batibot
San: Reboot

3 People I Tag to Do This Crap:
Ich: Mina
Ni: Everyone
San: My invisble friends

I dunno why Brymac had to pick eccentric.. Lol.

1. Everything - Alanis Morisette, The Collection
2. Everybody’s Changing - Keane
3. Europa - Prozzak, Hot Show
4. Eye - Smashing Pumpkins, Rotten Apples
5. Easier Than Love - Switch Foot, Nothing Is Sound

Basically, you select 5 songs on your computer that start with a particular letter given by the person who tagged you. Anybody bored enough, leave a comment.

Ahh… It took me forever to look for this mp3s, mainly because my lappy-toppy is acting up. I made the n00b13 mistake of assigning a volume drive letter to a mapped drive. Windows didn’t complain. Instead it stopped showing my other hard disk volume, where all my utilities and music were. Aarrrggghhh.. After googling and testing so many free/shareware utilities, I finally came across that worked. After 3.5 hrs, my drive mappings are now fixed. Lol.

Bill Gates’ is the devil’s kin. Seriously.

It’s technically friday, so TGIF! A couple more hours to go before the weekend!

It would be nice if I didn’t have to worry so much about work and what not. I’m working on this project that’s been driving me nuts and I’ve been working like crazy because my boss is going away on vacation. He’s currently managing this project and we need to get the client an alpha version for testing. Needless to say I’m way behind schedule because of certain distractions. So don’t be surprised if I don’t respond to you via msn or yahoo. It pretty much means I’m working on another computer via remote desktop or just using my other work computer. I tend to leave the messengers on my laptop instead of my work desktop because my desktop is an old machine and I need all the memory and cpu power it can muster.

Despite being behind schedule, things are looking up. I’ve managed to make my approach no. 6 work and now needs to be relayed on to the other pieces I am building. There’s always the assumption that ‘new technology’ means ‘easy’, without taking into consideration the learning curve and development environment setup. Heck, I had to learn about cross-domain ajax-related issues and json in a day, and try to work around it, thus arriving to approach no. 6. But it works, so pat on the back for myself. Many thanks to Robbie-kun for giving me a hand and a great working example to refer to.

My friends are going to a wedding tonight so I’m actually free on a friday night. Very rare indeed. Kayam’s been bugging me to come by his place to pick-up my portable hard-drive and possibly drag Quy into coming, maybe for some gaming and drinks. Quy and impromptu get-togethers don’t mix mainly because he is a workaholic who worked through his birthday. I can just imagine Lillian moping because he’s too focused on work. Do I hear congee wong?

It’s 1:30 am and I should be heading to bed. So much for turning in early. Setting up this new laptop takes too long. Ho well. I’m gonna go catch a few Zs. Ja ne!