I’ve had four best friends in my entire life. Every single one of them has betrayed me or left me hanging in one form or another.
The first one borrowed money from me without letting her parents know. The whole thing blew up, and last time I spoke to her, she said she was going to explain everything to me later on. Next time I saw her, we were both in UP. She acted like she didn’t know me.
The second one changed schools after first year and never bothered to keep in touch.
The third one and I drifted apart because she was too preoccupied with her married lover.
The last one left me for another woman.
Funny how fragile human relationships can be.
***************************************
Sometimes you get to know more about a person just when you’ve cut ties with them. Maybe because you are not overwhelmed by their presence or your judgment is not clouded by your emotions anymore. You can objectively look at things and say “ahh.. that person(s) was like this all along..”
There’s a certain turmoil between thinking a person is good and wanting to think they’re good. That regardless of certain past or current events, said person deserves even a smidgen of respect because unbelievably you can think well of him. You hold on to the good memories when your (not necessarily romantic) relationship was ideal: no squabbles, total agreement on interests and mutual respect.
Relationships can be fragile. Even one that’s lasted tens of years can fall victim to humanity’s short-comings.
Sometimes I ask myself, whatever happened to honesty, trust and conviction? Has the bad things in this world actually overcome the good? Are there really few remaining fools willing to uphold morals?
I’m upset right now because it has come to light how horrible I am when it comes to judging character. I can be naively trusting, but it seems I keep trusting the wrong kind of people.
The kind that asks for more trust yet breaks it repeatedly.
The kind that leaves you broken-hearted, depressed and in debt.
The kind that made me believe we supported the same ideals or people, but short-changed me when it mattered most.
The kind that makes me feel like I’ve given more of myself but what I had to offer was wasted or thrown away.
I’m pissed off because I’ve been such a fool for so long. Willingly made a fool for so damn long. I feel hate slowly growing, and that’s not something I want to happen. I want to get even so badly; to hurt, possibly maim somebody; to get a voodoo doll and stab it repeatedly.
The lid is begging to be opened.
And I feel embarrrassed, utterly embarrassed. Because I vowed to support a friend but given circumstances due to an asshole, I’ve put her in a predicament without my knowledge. I don’t want to make excuses, but I feel I let her down in a way. I envisioned her bargaining with loan sharks and the like, when she should be concentrating on more important things like her bar exam. I’m sorry, I really am.
I’m tired. Kindness takes a huge toll, makes one regret being kind. If only somebody can be kind to the kind ones.
