a dream is an answer to a question you haven’t asked..

have you really forgotten about me? are you having too much fun where you are right now?

there’s an empty space beside me that was always meant for you. from time to time you managed to find your way back home to me.

but again and again you leave.

healing my ass. i’m too much of a fighter. too much of a fool.

so please come home soon.

- stop protecting the myriad of lies. i don’t get paid nor much sex out of it. Lol.
- get hair cut. short. (edit: ok it didn’t turn out as short as i wanted :P)
- work out and swim. treat myself to a good dip in the jacuzzi.
- make myself pretty. because I CAN.
- remember to remind myself: you are FABULOUS!
- move on. even with baby steps. (edit: easier said than done)

I don’t know why people drink when they’re upset. It’s not like alcohol will make you happy the same way endorphins would. But people do drown their sorrows in alcohol. I intended to join a buddy for his birthday bash for a few laughs and to drown some unhappy thoughts. But my mom needed me today, so I forgoed that chance. Sorry Robbie, better luck next time.

Half a can into a moosehead, I wasn’t getting the buzz that I needed (it is only 5%). I’m exhausted from the stress and lack of sleep. And i was hoping the booze will give me a kick towards la-la-land. Unfortunately it isn’t working, and the prospect of one of Mhe’s punches to knock me out is looking better by the minute. As she said, she’s my friend and she just want to help me.

So I’m on to my next can, hopefully this time it will help me doze off. I’m tired but restless. Talking to my friends has kept my mind busy and put my soul at ease. I love people who care but not judge. Who would listen instead of asking questions even I don’t have the answers. Who would punch me if it’s going to help me get the much needed rest I truely deserve. And who would tell me the truth that I’ve known for so long but forcedly denied.

Tomorrow, I shall chop my locks off. It has been a ritual I had since the U.P. days. Everytime I got frustrated or upset, I cut my hair. Which pretty much means my hair was always short, esp after a gruelling exam. The last time I really grew out my hair was high school. Why? Well, long hair is easier to manage in a hairnet (CAT purposes). But tomorrow, it shall be a step towards finding myself and starting to love myself again. I’ve gotten lazy when it comes to taking care of myself. But I shall get back on the high horse towards self-betterment and self-love again.

I’ve been told many times I have been a saving grace for certain people. But that raises the question of a time that I will need to be saved. Who will save me?

A few people have come forward to my rescue, and I really appreciate that. I really really do. I sometimes talk in riddles and those who understand are few of the people who can save me. If I don’t make sense and I haven’t told you directly what it is, it is because I think it’s for your own good or because I need to protect somebody, so please don’t take it against me.

I’m not one for prayers. I’m not as devout as most people, but I do believe you don’t necessarily have to be in church to pray. And so I pray for strength, for enlightenment and for peace.

Here I share a prayer from a friend:

I pray for the strength to keep you on your toes,
To stop you from faltering, to ease the weight upon your breast.
I pray that others refrain from asking how you are at a time of illness,
Or feeling poorly, or grief.
I pray that you be granted time alone,
While in the company of kith, kin and all who love you.
I pray that your moments of weakness be brief,
And that your room of emptiness be small.

And I wish you joy, and laughter, and comfort, and ease,
And most of all, I wish you partake of all these.

So it’s almost 5 am, and I’m still up. Still.

Today is suppose to be a big day. I think my mom has no idea we’re throwing a party for her 50th birthday. I still haven’t gotten her a gift, since (1) I haven’t gotten paid, (2) I spent my money on my spontaneous Californian trip, and (3) i’m been funding the party expenses.

I should be resting now, but I can’t. For the record I’ve been awake for 45 hours. Yes, there’s something definitely wrong with me. But it’s ok, since according to the tv show House, I still have roughly 9 days before I die of exhaustion. I think i can take a nap before i get to that point. I think I’m running a fever too, or I just need a cold shower.

Today I shall make sushi and mushroom soup. The other food we have is catered. I still need to pickup the lechon Belle ordered and shell out $78 bucks for it. Damn, never did think lechon could cost you $118 CAD. There are times I really wish we lived in the Philippines since I highly doubt it’ll cost that much.

A lot of my mom’s friends are coming over. My friends are sleeping over too, hence I need to either clean the basement or my room. Haven’t done laundry since I got back from California and my hamper is broken so my dirty laundry is all strewn on the floor, much to my dad’s displeasure. Note: MUST do laundry.

I should catch a few Zs now. I might not have enough energy running after Railey tomorrow. May tomorrow be a great day for good food and great company (minus mark, who’s working).

Oh and robbie is trying to convince me to come out tonight. Maybe get drunk and merry along with his friends, for his 25th birthday. I’m hoping Quy and Lillian come out too, so I can bring my friends along. I think I need to get drunk badly. Need to let all the negative energy flow, and out into the loo.

Happy birthday to my mom, tita Ame and robbie-kun. I wish more birthdays to you old folks!

If you are asked to trust someone but was betrayed by the very same person, would you be called a fool, or would you be considered forgiving?

If you were asked to believe something that was half-true repeatedly, can you stay naive and gullible?

Someone I love and care about is going on a trip to a land far far away. A trip that will finally settle things for a love of the past that he’s always dreamt of, and a love that was always there, waiting for him to come home. A week to wait out. One long week.

But this is it. The closure everybody involved is waiting for. Everybody’s tired of the lies and deceit, the nasty surprises and the emotional turmoil. In the end somebody will end up losing something important, and somebody will gain what they’ve always dreamt of. But I pray that everything works out for the best.

A person needs to love freely. To be able to shout out loud, “this is the person that completes me!” To be able to build a future on solid ground and not on fleeting sand. To be able to look to another’s eyes and know you own the other’s heart.

Although a friend insists men and women are not meant to be monogamous (how convenient), unless you’re alright to share a life and king-sized bed with another partner, you will only dig yourself into a ditch. A ditch filled with complications and haunting conversations of who-do-you-love-more, why-do-you-treat-him/her-better, and who’s-better.

Real honest-to-goodness love digs you out of ditches and keeps you out of them. Real love gives you a home.

And my dear, you will always have a place to come home to. If not with the one you love most, but with family and friends.

This penny-arcade comic reminded me of Quy and his numerous bumps.

And this pic of Kayam’s dog, Samba, should be submitted to cuteoverload.com.

Seems like a lot of people were worried about me more than I thought. I’m back to my sane self again. Somewhat hehehehe..

My body is tired but my mind listless. I’m still trying to come to terms that (1) I am back in Toronto and will be drowning in the work grind for the next few days, and (2) I come home to an empty bed with no snoring lug to hold me close. Yesterday, I was in LAX, running like crazy to Gate 21 while trying to put my belt back on. I was the last person to board the plane heading back to Toronto. Crazy Americans and their stringent no-blazer/shoes/belt empty-pockets x-ray rules.

I flew to Los Angeles last thursday night. I guess it is relatively spontaneous, esp. since I told my parents about it a few days before my departure. Desperate times require desperate measures. I know it was a rash decision that’s why I was reluctant to divulge the details lest people start asking questions that were not answerable by my reason: I just wanted to be together.

And so crazy me flies to Los Angeles, gets picked up by a tired and hour-late Bryan. We get to his place close to 1 am. I don’t even remember eating, because I was so bloody tired. Technically it would be 4 am in Toronto, so my body’s screaming for sleep. Didn’t really do much sleeping because I still had issues to deal with Bryan and he was too tired to even bother talking. Whoever said men are simple beings sure is dead wrong.

Friday was spent amusing myself while Bry went to work. I played house a bit, cleaned up, cooked, did the laundry. You know, simple things I can’t do for him. It wasn’t like he forced me to do it, it’s my way of taking care of him. I also cooked him lunch and was generously rewarded. *wide smile* Night-time was spent on more cuddling, talking, eating and just plainly spending time together. As I said, playing house.

First half of saturday was pretty much the same. We went out later that day when the rain stopped, and had some japanese food. It’s amusing to see caucasians singing karaoke to the tune of “Like A Virgin”. Repeatedly. These people are so relaxed, even the chefs were drinking beer. I just realized aside from the japanese chefs, I didn’t get to see any asians. Our chef had a fun time guessing that we’re Filipino and started throwing random phrases like “mabuhay”, “chicken adobo”, “balut” and “salamat!” Something suddenly upset Bryan’s tummy so we headed home. Gone were the plans for some grocery shopping (nothing but rotten lemons in his fridge). By this time my body was just crashing. I had to stay awake for so long but I kept waking up early in EST standards. I think I just passed out while we were watching tv.

Sunday was a beautiful day. No rain, great sunshine. We were going to have breakfast somewhere but Bry decided we have a home-cooked breakfast. It’s not everyday I get to cook for him nor would I need to come up with a menu with the help of an empty fridge. Ok, so it wasn’t literally empty. We had some tocino, bacon and eggs, and rice of course. I was craving bagels to which Bry exclaims “are you really Filipino?” I am the bread-craving anti-pineapple Filipino, thank you very much.

After relaxing a bit, we headed off to the beach. We didn’t have any change for the parking meter so Bry ran off to get some. As soon as he left, the parking enforcer drove by slowly staring at me. Downtown San Clemente is a rich caucasian retiree spot. An overdressed (it was chilly :P) asian girl standing by a parking meter and listly looking around is something you wouldn’t miss. The lady parking enforcer drives away, parks a little off and comes back to me on foot. I explained that I was a tourist with not enough change, hence I was standing guard by the car. She was kind enough to let me off the hook and proceeded to leave tickets for the other cars. Lucky!

I have to say the view was breathtaking. My pictures cannot do the scenery justice. Not to mention I’m not exactly a really good photographer. It would be nice to go swimming but Bry can’t swim and there’s no way I’d go swimming on my own, with him watching me from the shore. So much for spending quality time, right?

Took pics, walked around the pier and ate at the seafood resto. Did some more walking which was a pain considering the place was hilly. Nothing but a great view, a full stomach and a walk up the hill to take your breath away. Afterwards we headed home to take a short nap, then went off to get some groceries. Bry cooked short ribs for dinner and finished cooking my beef brisket with portabello mushrooms. Yum. Off to sleep again to wake up early morn for my 6:55 am flight back to Toronto.

I landed in Toronto at 2:35 pm, but didn’t get my baggage until almost 4 because the conveyor belt was broken. Here were people from 2 different flights surrounding the baggage claim with no bags to pick up. How odd was that. There goes my plans to even bother going to work. Oh well. I got home around 4:30, dropped off my bags and went to see my friends. I was tired but I can’t stand being home alone. A few more hours and reality has sinked in. Back in Toronto. No Bryan. Oh, no new tower too (too heavy). Sucks.

I’m planning to see him again this July. He wanted me to bring the family so his family can meet my family. Now that should be interesting haha. *sigh* At least there’s something we can all look forward to.