a dream is an answer to a question you haven’t asked..

2008 Enbridge CN Tower Climb

1,776 steps. 124 flights of stairs. 84 floors. And I survived.

It’s my first time participating in this event. Although my time isn’t the greatest, I’m happy I actually finished it.

The first 20 floors were just brutal. I kept thinking, “80 flights? I’m only a quarter done and I’m already tired!” Times like these, my stubborness helps. I figure I started it, I’m not going back down 20 flights just to quit. So I kept going.

As I climb higher and higher, there crowd thinned and more people were resting on the landings. I realized more fit people were stopping, so me having a hard time is perfectly reasonable. Then there’s the wafting smell of foul body odour and projectile bodily fluids. You can either let people ahead of you (and let then take their stench with them) or run from the smell (while the person yaks on the side of the stairwell).

Then I got to the 80th flight and I heard somebody shout that it goes on for 124 flights. It’s 84 floors, not flights of stairs. Sigh. Must keep going. 44 floors to go.

Along the way I got occassional cheers from fellow climbers. An old man who did his first climb with jetlag and bronchitis. A middle-aged Indian lady participating with her team from an insurance company. A filipina running from a person who puked close to her. A father with his 3 year-old son who was fascinated with the condesation on the stairwell walls. Families climbing together. Italian teenagers that sweated with the gucci fanny packs. An old couple over-weight couple proving to everyone that anyone can do this climb.

I could hear my ears pop and felt my chest heave painfully. Breathing cold air at such a high altitude is something I can’t fully describe - one must just experience it. The cold dry air just dehydrates you even more so I repeatedly licked the roof of my mouth to stimulate spit (something I learned from running). All the while thinking to myself “why on earth am I doing this again?”

I reached the 100th flight and I felt invigorated. 24 more flights. I’m almost there. I felt amazing despite my legs feeling like lead. Despite my mouth being dry and my hair cemented to my scalp. At least I know I don’t smell bad, thanks to Secret Clinical hehe.

And then I was finally there. I gave my slip of paper for them to punch in my time and we were led to another door. Then there were more stairs leading to the CN Tower’s observatory deck. Dammit! That’s cheating! I took my time climbing the last 7 flights.

At the end of the 7th flight I was greeted by volunteers congratulating everyone for finishing the climb. My dad greeted from the crowd, gave me a hug and handed me a bottle of water - just what I needed! The observatory was steaming from all the warm-bodied people, so we didn’t bother hanging around. After grabbing my freebie bottled water, it was time to go back down - this time by elevator.

After the climb, my dad and I ran through the cold street to pick up our free shirts. You would think my legs would be dead after all that climbing, but thanks to all those runs I’ve done during the summer, I actually have the stamina and leg power for running alongside my dad. We headed to Tim Hortons for some coffee and went home after a carb reload.

My friends Mhe and AJ did the climb during different days. I dun think will do it again next year, but I probably would. I enjoy challenging myself. I intend to do more runs, and hopefully participate in the 50k bike ride next year. Maybe even go to the gym until spring training hits. Hopefully I won’t get too lazy hehehe. And maybe next year, I can cut 10 mins from that climb time.

I’ve signed up for CIBC’s Run for the Cure and would be running as part of Team Kalan Porter. No, I did not sign up in the hopes that he will be there waiting at the finish line, willing to give a hug to someone who will probably be miserably sweating and panting…

That aside, I would really appreciate any contributions toward my goal. For those who do donate, much love from me. For those who don’t, you’ll get _all my love_ this Christmas. Just kidding.

https://www.cibcrunforthecure.com/html/personal_page.asp?track=2983578&languageid=1

You can say I’ve been enjoying my running this summer. I can’t say I’m taking it that seriously, but I’m taking it seriously enough to get new running shoes and use orthotics because I’m terribly flat footed and my right foot badly over-pronate. I try to run 3 to 5 times a week, time and weather permitting, and regularly run with Louie on saturday mornings.

I wanted to encourage Louie towards a more active lifestyle so I signed us up for the Nike+ 10k Human Race. Basically Nike+ users around the globe run at key cities or affiliated running centres (like the Running Room for Toronto and other non-key cities) to raise money and set a new world record. Thankfully she didn’t get mad, and was actually interested in training for the run. We did the Terry Fox 10k last year, which we intend to do in less than 2 weeks, so we figure another race shouldn’t make much of difference. Plus, we’re actually going to do more running this time.

The Nike+ run was suppose to start at 8:30 am. It was a hot sunday morning, with the day’s high of 28 degrees celsius. Our 10k group started late because the pacer couldn’t come, so they were trying to find somebody to volunteer as pacer. Louie and I just ran our own pace, with short walk breaks in the cool shadows and mad dashes trying to outrun the heat of the sun.

Over-all it was a good experience. Although our times are nothing to boast about, we had fun. Notice my ranking - 28160. I dunno how many people participated in the run, but I hope I wasn’t dead last. LOL.

Louie and I are both looking forward to the Terry Fox run this year. I’m still contemplating whether I want to do the Scotiabank Waterfront 5k. Either way, I’d still be paying $40 bucks for it because I’ll be registering quite late. Something to think about after the next run.

Why must you hurt me, when I love you so? When I can do nothing else nor want to, for love made me and fed me and kept me in better days?

Why will you cut me, and disfigure my face, and fill me with woe? I have only loved you for your beauty as you once loved me for mine in the days before the world moved on. Now you scar me with nails and put burning quicksilver in my nose; you have set the animals on me, so you have, and they have eaten of my softest parts.

Around me the can-toi gather and there’s no peace from their laughter. Yet still I love you and would serve you and even bring the magic again, if you would allow me, for that is how my heart was cast when I rose from the Prim. And once I was strong as well as beautiful, but now my strength is almost gone.

If the torture were to stop now, I might still recover - if never my looks, then at least my strength and my kes. But another week… or maybe five days… or even three… and it will be too late. Even if the torture stops, I’ll die. And you’ll die too, for when love leaves the world, all hearts are still. Tell them of my love and tell them of my pain and tell them of my hope, which still lives. For this is all I have and all I am and all I ask.

- Sheemie Ruiz, The Dark Tower, Stephen King pg 334

I can finally officially post these on my resume. Nevermind the fact I barely survived the last exam to complete these certs. Lol.

I know, i know. It took me this long because I’m such a slacker. It also makes my purses complain since the exams are 125 USD a pop. No shopping for me. Boo.

I’m down 2, one more for a MCPD (Microsoft Certified Professional Developer) for .Net 2.0, and another one come July for the 3.5. It’s ok if you don’t know what that means. It just means I’m done slacking off.

I AM FOCUSED! Swift like Mhe on a winter day. Sharp like a Cutco knife. Yeah!

Forgive me, but this will be long. I haven’t blogged in a while, and I feel compelled to write or else I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

Two years ago, I kicked this bad habit of mine. And like any horrible vice, it lead me to a downward spiral of self-destruction, a nasty temperament, and a questionable state of sanity. Unlike people who block out their bad experiences, I try my best to remember to avoid making the same mistakes. Never again.

It’s remarkable how time has flown by. There was a time I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pick myself up again. I felt lost. I hardly recognized myself anymore. But what I feared most was not feeling anything at all. That I would simply exist. I welcomed even pain, because that meant I was still willing to struggle and I still hoped things will get better.

But good winds blew my way and spring briefly broke through my lonesome winter. I pined for somebody, temporarily. Nothing came out of it, but I was enthralled with the realization I can find beauty in another person again. That my heart beats for more than one purpose.

I fancied more and more people - I pick total strangers lest I lose control and make a total ass of myself. Like that hot, long haired, broad shouldered (although married) Air Canada flight attendant who serviced my area during my Japan-Toronto flight. He spoke wonderful Japanese. I smiled during the entire 13 hours it took to get back to Toronto.

Or that chinese man immaculately dressed in a suit in Hongkong that made me and Maan turn our heads 180 degrees to relish the last few glimpses of his hurrying shadow. He wasn’t particularly tall nor do I remember what his best features were, but at that moment, I couldn’t resist. I had to look back as he forever walked out of my life.

Fancying somebody is like a fresh breath of air. But the best part is not the momentary tingles, but having enough inspiration to draw a plethora of what-ifs. Nevermind if it might not happen, but knowing you have endless possibilities of things that could happen between you and a stranger you’ve been eyeing is what smutty novels and daydreams are all about. Let’s face it, everyone, and I mean everyone has had a romantic fantasy, whether it was spawned by a nice fellow who held the door for you or a bloke you caught looks with for a moment across a bar.

When the daydream has ended, all that’s left is a heart-warming glow reminiscent of high school crushes, previous first dates, old flames, the most impecable of chocolates, or long runs that made your body sing. And sometimes that’s enough to tide us over until the next stranger that walks into your life. Then you can hope that maybe, this time, he/she will stay, maybe just a bit longer than the last one.

The last of all what-ifs is what if we cross paths again? Because of that uncertainty, or rather the possibility (depending on the assumed situation or scenario), we dream again from time to time. You try to stand taller, dress nicer, given the possibility that that hot Air Canada flight attendant has gotten a divorce and remembered you (out of all the other passengers of course, lucky you), and might be interested in coffee. Although you sense the ridiculousness of that ever happening, I always say it can happen. And that’s not just the optimist in me talking. Who am I to say no to a healthy buzz?

The fact is, it doesn’t have to happen. Even a fantasy, if it ever come to fruition, may not go the way you’d want it to be. Nothing is more painful than being hit with the harsh truth that your fantasy is too delusional. Rejection is a tough pill to swallow.

So no matter how much I yearn for any of my strangers, I won’t do anything. I’m happy being safe than sorry. And I have enough restraining orders against me. That last part was a lie, of course. The point is, no matter how pathetic it may seem, I smile because of my shallow affections for total strangers. And that’s good enough for now.

I’ve been having some intermittent server problems due to my “migration to the new platform”. That basically means the hosting company had some server upgrades that I took advantage of, and lead to my offline status for the past month. I also took the time to upgrade my wordpress, security issues and what not.

I should have time to blog considering I haven’t been sleeping lately. The usual 2-hour sleep days. I’m exhausted but my mind is on crack. I dun think anything’s wrong with me aside from an extreme overdose of excitement.

I’m going away for a little while. I need some time to relax, enjoy life a little bit, and rethink my plans for the rest of the year. 2008 will be the year of change for a lot of us. Dream on people, dream on!

I know I haven’t blogged much these days, mainly because it had been a really busy semester. From time to time, I look back at where I am, and how far I’ve come. I tell myself to live a little more, and worry a little less. Have more fun. Spend more time with people I care about. Be a better daughter/sister/friend/acquaintance/stranger. Be calmer and have more composure.

If you died tomorrow, would you die without regrets? Based on your actions today, can you live with your self tomorrow?

The past 2 months was busy with school, finals, and some personal dilemmas. I personally have always tried to solve my problems on my own, and there were always people who knew when to catch me when I couldn’t do handle everything on my own. This time around, I had to do the catching. I had to draw my inner shrink and muster all my potential as a crutch. I listened. I tried my best to be neutral even when I knew it wasn’t going to be well received. I stayed positive for the three of us. I spent hours looking for the right positive statement to send during the ealier days. I had to choose which roles to play. Depending on the choice, you could help a person grow or cripple them even more. Because it’s never easy to say hurtful things to people that you love.

Given the recent events, I had to relive some of the past. I had to dig deep and remember the hard lessons learned, because there are many. And that was how I saw I could help best. And it occurred to me that I always hesitated to say things I find uncomfortable because they hit too close to my heart. So in my own fashion, I share these to you dear reader.

To my bestest friends, thank you so much for keeping me alive, and keeping my head above water. You are my happy place.

To the jebby tribe, we are living proof that distance relationships work (as les said so).

To the people I barely see but share the truest of friendships (you know who you are), we are connected in mysterious ways that I hope will last a lifetime.

To Mida, to me you are a big sister because of your old soul, a friend because you listened and have never judged, and even to this day, my Cuba.

To the people I work with, I don’t get paid millions nor love the deadlines but I love the challenges, and the opportunity to work with you all.

To la familia (cousinz, extended family), I am fortunate to always feel welcome in your homes, because eventhough we are not really related, we are family.

To my sister, thank you for taking my side eventhough it’s not necessary, for putting up with my crankiness when I’m too hungry, and for driving me around. You will always have my love and support.

To my mom, thank you for the silent support and for putting up with me.

To my dad, thank you for not asking the painful questions, and for letting me stand on my own feet.

To the rest of the people I didn’t specifically cite, no meeting is meaningless; everybody is tied by strings of fate; and for every moment we shared in the smallest of way, it is appreciated. The future me is the product of all the interactions with all you people.

And to close, I want to remind everybody that you are loved, relied upon, and well thought of. The world throws roadblocks, but it does not stop. The future is uncertain, and that’s where its beauty lies. Carpe diem.

Taste the rainbow!

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE

… one old love she can imagine going back to… and one who reminds her how far she has come.

… enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to.

… something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour.

… a youth she’s content to leave behind.

… a past juicy enough that she’s looking forward to retelling it in her old age.

… a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.

… one friend who always makes her laugh … and one who lets her cry.

… a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family.

… eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored.

… a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

… how to fall in love without losing herself.

… how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

… when to try harder … and when to walk away.

… that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

… that her childhood may not have been perfect… but its over.

… what she would and wouldn’t do for love or more.

… how to live alone… even if she doesn’t like it.

… whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally.

… where to go… be it to her best friend’s kitchen table… or a charming inn in the woods… when her soul needs soothing.

… what she can and can’t accomplish in a day… a month… and a year.

I haven’t blogged in a while. I’ve been busy. School, birthdays, cross-border shopping (thank you cheapo US dollar!), midterms and just life in general. I always had things to blog about, floating in my head until the day I have free time. Which isn’t really today, but I needed to sort out my thoughts in a round-about way. Forgive me for the long narrative to follow, but I had to write this down tonight before I sleep.

I’ve always had weird dreams. Just plain weird ones that I should commemorate with a blog post but failed to do so. I haven’t blogged about them because I actually make it a point to go out these days. My friend, Daisy, has made it a point to remind me that as much as studying is a must, I need to have a life. And thinking about her inspires me to just be spontaneous and live a little bit, exams and all haha.

But I digress. I meant this post to be about the other set of dreams I’ve been having. Yes, the nightmares. I’ve had a string of them for the last month or so, even a week where I had a nightmare everyday of the week. Sometimes I remember them, often not. I’d rather not remember them actually, since it lets me salvage the rest of my waking hours for some positive energy.

Last night I had a nightmare. I went to bed at 4:30 am, thanks to a manga called D-ASH. I pretty much zonked out after reading when I started dreaming. I believe I was in a car, and somebody else was driving. I was sitting in the back seat, on the passenger side. Nobody was sitting in the front seat nor beside me. I couldn’t see who was driving. The scenery was something out of Smallville or King City: endless fields of corn or grains. I was staring at the fields when something caught my attention, and I turned towards the front. Then everything went pitch black, like I caught in the middle of a typical Manila brownout. The idea itself seemed ridiculous, considering I’m a moving car. How is it possible to not see anything, even my hands that are in front of me?

Suddenly, for some reason, I knew there was a ghost in the car.

After the pitch black I was seeing, I suddenly saw shadows peering down at me, like I was lain on a morgue table and the shadows I was seeing were caused by an overhead lamp. And I knew those shadows weren’t human. And all this I saw without moving an inch inside the car. My dream self was having a nitemare herself.

Then I screamed. I couldn’t open my mouth, but I screamed. In my head, I screamed so loud because I was honestly terrified. It was raw unexplainable fear that I felt, I needed wake up. I kept telling myself, wake up, you need to wake up. When that didn’t work, I started praying to God.

I’m not a religious person; I’m not constant church goer either. But in times of need and times of sheer gratefulness, I turn to God. I recognize that there is something bigger than me out there, and that He’s there if I call upon Him with all my heart. And last night, I was that scared.

I asked God to wake me up. I was really scared because I was conscious of the fact I was having a horrible nitemare I can’t wake up from. In my mind, I kept repeating, God please wake me up. Just repeating it like shinto priest’s mantra.

Slowly, I could feel my consciousness resurfacing. Slowly, I became conscious that I was in bed, but I still couldn’t move. I needed to be certain I could move, that I was still in the plane of the living. I became conscious of my arms, lain on my chest in a regular way. I’ve woken up from a nitemare before where my arms were crossed in front of me, as if I was protecting myself from a physical attack. Not this time, but the thought didn’t even give me a small sense of relief.

I kept telling myself over and over, come on, wake up. My body soon started responding to my mind’s cries, and I lifted an arm. Relief washed over me. I’m back. Hah.

When I was reassured I was still alive, I said my thanks to God, and begged that I sleep the rest of the night without the nitemares. You might think all this is just inside my head, and I was losing it, but I really felt like I couldn’t have come back from that nitemare on my own. I swear. Few things terrify me, very few things. This experience just topped all those things.

After I’ve calmed down, I started to wonder if somebody was cursing me. And then I actually thought of somebody. I brushed the thought aside because I had consciously decided not to think of things and entities that shouldn’t matter to me because it’s not important. Because my life is my own, and the good shall prevail. Well, something like that.

Sleep beckoned to me, and I did a mental check whether I felt it was safe enough to go back to sleep. The fear was gone. Relieved, I drifted back to sleep. I woke up 5 hours later with a vague recollection of what happened. And now, I’ve blogged about it.

Just in case something happens, I’ll be looking for Louie. But I’m positive I shall be blogging tomorrow.