a dream is an answer to a question you haven’t asked..

Today would’ve been a typical friday. You try to wrap up the things for the week at a more relaxed pace. You try to think where to eat for lunch, and what time your boss will come in for their usual friday lunch. Same old friday as before, you thunk.

You come back from lunch, idling the afternoon away. Behind you your hear the words “with you, anything is possible”. Such optimistic words from your team’s most optimistic man. A few seconds later, the CEO walks by and waves at your business analyst, who follows him to his office.

Next thing you know, the business analyst returns mumbling the words, “when i’m gone…” and “it was a pleasure working with everybody..” You think you heard wrong, and spin around your chair to look at the speaker.

He confirms that he has resigned. He keeps thanking everybody, and one by one you give him a goodbye hug. You still think it’s a joke. A very sick one at that.

And then he gathers his things, intending to leave at that very moment. You still think it’s a joke. You ask “you’re leaving right now”, to which he replies “yes, I have plans”. Plans? He couldn’t have made plans after resigning 5 minutes ago.

Everybody’s too shocked. You’re too shocked to give a proper goodbye. You are too accustomed to goodbye lunches and going-away presents, the rituals of a sugar-coated departure. You are ill-prepared for dealing with loss of a living, breathing colleague.

He leaves of his own free will, with the gifts he’s collected over the years. He walks out the door, with no promises of future get-togethers and lasting friendships. And a few seconds later, you lose sight of the sweater you make fun of when he wraps it against his waist. You’ll never see that sweater again. Around the corner with that sweater goes the man you’ve respected as a colleague. He was a comic, and an old-school gentleman, but most of all, he was a person who wore his heart on his sleeve.

And then he’s gone. The bad ass is gone.

No more pop-up children’s books. No more Monday subway stories. No more random sounds coming from the back of the room. No more bizarre ideas of importing chicken feet, travelling to Japan to see Geishas, and eating Szechuan cuisine. No more shallow moments of insane happiness.

Somebody tells you that you look like you’re going to cry. I did want to cry, but the shock is overwhelming your sadness. But as your boss said, “the team marches on”. And so the team shall march on.

For the next three hours, you struggle to work. You mourn our loss, because it is yours. Because your small team is short of one bad ass, it will never be the same.

As you replay the scene, you wish you could have said more. You wish you could’ve said how much you enjoyed working with him, and that his efforts will be missed. You regret not responding when he mumbled that he was nobody, because he is somebody. And that you do not feel alone when you work the later hours because he kept you company until it was time for him to go.

But now he is gone, and we have to move on. Monday will come. Until then, you can day dream about sailing on his yacht at Tim Horton’s at one in the morning, under the moonlight and the company of dolphins.

use somebody - kings of leon

I’ve been roaming around always lookin down at all I see.
Painted faces fill the places I can’t reach.
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
And all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers undercover of the street
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody
Someone like you
Off in the night while you live it up I’m off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it’s gonna make you notice
I hope it’s gonna make you notice
Someone like me
Someone like me
Someone like me
Somebody
(Go and let it out)
Someone like you
Somebody
Someone like you
Somebody
Someone like you
Somebody
I’ve been roaming around always lookin down at all I see

In an effort to get people to look
into each other’s eyes more,
and also to appease the mutes,
the government has decided
to allot each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.

When the phone rings, I put it to my ear
without saying hello. In the restaurant
I point at chicken noodle soup.
I am adjusting well to the new way.

Late at night, I call my long distance lover,
proudly say I only used fifty-nine today.
I saved the rest for you.

When she doesn’t respond,
I know she’s used up all her words,
so I slowly whisper I love you
thirty-two and a third times.
After that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.

~ Jeffrey McDaniel

must be on my forehead. i make easy friends out of the starbucks baristas whose branches i visit the most. sometimes they even shift jobs and still recognize me when i accidentally see them at their new jobs. sure i barely remember their names, but the ones i do are the ones that make wicked awesome coffee. or are cute lol.

my new starbucks it at university and adelaide. the regular baristas see me so often that i don’t need to tell them what my usual drink is (a grande lactaid mild misto), they just confirm it as “the usual misto”. i’m not a morning person so i need my daily coffee, and morning lineups are a pain in the arse. my old starbucks (queen and university, the one with the cute barista, gay barista, and lauren, my former fave barista) had lineups that could compete against the food banks, so i switched branches. my new branch has the fastest crew i’ve ever seen, so eventhough i’m 10th in line, i can get my coffee within 5 minutes as soon as i’m ready to pay since my fave baristas make it as soon as i step in line.

and yes, i’m gloating since it’s like cutting the lunch line during recess. i’ve seen people wondering how come i get my drink faster than most people esp when i take lactose-free (steamed on demand, no prep like regular milk). and even though there’s no cute non-gay guys and free muffins (thanks to my gay barista) in this branch, they have the warmest smiles and the most consistent coffee service ever.

i guess this is as good as my latest blogs can get. record-breaking 4-week cough. even after 10 days of antibiotics, secret chinese medicine, a concoction of benylin (liquid and night), robitussin, buckleys and neocitran.

must see doctor again. soon.

I know I haven’t blogged in a while. I meant to, especially with all that’s happened this year. They are blog-worthy but life has a way of getting in the way. And so at the beginning of the new year I try to surmise the highs of the past year.

After almost 9 years, I finally went back to the Philippines and got to be part of one of my best friends’ wedding. I also got to go to Boracay and Hongkong (shopping!)

I witnessed two of my closest friends finally get married after being together for 10 years. Society has changed so much that they can now be legally referred to as “spouses”. I see couples come and go, but they remain steadfast. They are proof that true love does exist.

I got a new job that excites me every time I go to work and makes me feel my contributions matter as a whole. I work with people who have embraced their weirdness and brilliance unabashedly. And I’ve got a great manager who is a visionary and at the same time a realist.

I’m 7 units away from graduating. My marks are a mixed bag - everything from a D+ to an A+. The marks don’t necessarily reflect the amount of time I’ve devoted to each class. Taking classes during the summer semester is a bitch. No more finance classes during the summer.

I have a condo I call my own, donned the way I like it (for the most part hehe). I actually have money in the bank to slowly pay my debt, thanks to the new job.

I am 15 pounds lighter, 2 dress sizes smaller and more at peace with my physical assets. I have actually started taking care more of myself. Heck, I even drink V8!

I have proven to myself I can run/walk 10 kilometers, cycle 25 kms, and climb 84 floors with enough energy to spare to run through the cold streets in autumn in shorts and a dri-fit shirt. I participated in 3 charity runs, and 1 charity climb this year, which I would probably do again this year.

For the most part, I’m learning to say what I want to say when it’s needed instead of bottling it up and blaming myself for not speaking up. I still let a lot of things slide just because I dislike petty arguments and whiners.

I learned not to believe every put-down thrown my way. Some people just like nonchalantly flinging spiteful words - hurtful but empty. I consider it training since those kind of people tend to get bitchier as they get older. It’s just building up my immunity.

I learned to gracefully accept and return compliments without thinking there’s an ulterior motive. Unless they’re trying to sell me insurance I don’t need or work for companies that advertise on the shopping channel.

I’ve rekindled my sentimentality after witnessing my collection of pens, hidden picture frames, and old letters. I refused to throw things because they were given by or reminded me of somebody. But some things needed purging, and purging I did. I now have a “must-burn” box which I will reduce to ashes once I find an accessible incinerator.

I don’t even remember why I stopped writing to people, but this year I sent people (late) Christmas cards. Yours, dear reader, is probably still in the mail.

And it’s been proven again that there is no room for pride when I need help and that there are things I can’t do on my own. There is no shame in being in human. Embracing your weaknesses propels you to grow, and endears you to the people whom you made feel needed.

Overall, it was an excellent year. There were times I wished time stopped so I could take a breather, but life goes on and I don’t want to get left behind. Sometimes I trip, but I don’t have time being sprawled face-down on the ground. Must get up and keep running.

2009 will be more running, maybe cycling. And hopefully falling and rolling with an O.

2008 Enbridge CN Tower Climb

1,776 steps. 124 flights of stairs. 84 floors. And I survived.

It’s my first time participating in this event. Although my time isn’t the greatest, I’m happy I actually finished it.

The first 20 floors were just brutal. I kept thinking, “80 flights? I’m only a quarter done and I’m already tired!” Times like these, my stubborness helps. I figure I started it, I’m not going back down 20 flights just to quit. So I kept going.

As I climb higher and higher, there crowd thinned and more people were resting on the landings. I realized more fit people were stopping, so me having a hard time is perfectly reasonable. Then there’s the wafting smell of foul body odour and projectile bodily fluids. You can either let people ahead of you (and let then take their stench with them) or run from the smell (while the person yaks on the side of the stairwell).

Then I got to the 80th flight and I heard somebody shout that it goes on for 124 flights. It’s 84 floors, not flights of stairs. Sigh. Must keep going. 44 floors to go.

Along the way I got occassional cheers from fellow climbers. An old man who did his first climb with jetlag and bronchitis. A middle-aged Indian lady participating with her team from an insurance company. A filipina running from a person who puked close to her. A father with his 3 year-old son who was fascinated with the condesation on the stairwell walls. Families climbing together. Italian teenagers that sweated with the gucci fanny packs. An old couple over-weight couple proving to everyone that anyone can do this climb.

I could hear my ears pop and felt my chest heave painfully. Breathing cold air at such a high altitude is something I can’t fully describe - one must just experience it. The cold dry air just dehydrates you even more so I repeatedly licked the roof of my mouth to stimulate spit (something I learned from running). All the while thinking to myself “why on earth am I doing this again?”

I reached the 100th flight and I felt invigorated. 24 more flights. I’m almost there. I felt amazing despite my legs feeling like lead. Despite my mouth being dry and my hair cemented to my scalp. At least I know I don’t smell bad, thanks to Secret Clinical hehe.

And then I was finally there. I gave my slip of paper for them to punch in my time and we were led to another door. Then there were more stairs leading to the CN Tower’s observatory deck. Dammit! That’s cheating! I took my time climbing the last 7 flights.

At the end of the 7th flight I was greeted by volunteers congratulating everyone for finishing the climb. My dad greeted from the crowd, gave me a hug and handed me a bottle of water - just what I needed! The observatory was steaming from all the warm-bodied people, so we didn’t bother hanging around. After grabbing my freebie bottled water, it was time to go back down - this time by elevator.

After the climb, my dad and I ran through the cold street to pick up our free shirts. You would think my legs would be dead after all that climbing, but thanks to all those runs I’ve done during the summer, I actually have the stamina and leg power for running alongside my dad. We headed to Tim Hortons for some coffee and went home after a carb reload.

My friends Mhe and AJ did the climb during different days. I dun think will do it again next year, but I probably would. I enjoy challenging myself. I intend to do more runs, and hopefully participate in the 50k bike ride next year. Maybe even go to the gym until spring training hits. Hopefully I won’t get too lazy hehehe. And maybe next year, I can cut 10 mins from that climb time.

I’ve signed up for CIBC’s Run for the Cure and would be running as part of Team Kalan Porter. No, I did not sign up in the hopes that he will be there waiting at the finish line, willing to give a hug to someone who will probably be miserably sweating and panting…

That aside, I would really appreciate any contributions toward my goal. For those who do donate, much love from me. For those who don’t, you’ll get _all my love_ this Christmas. Just kidding.

https://www.cibcrunforthecure.com/html/personal_page.asp?track=2983578&languageid=1

You can say I’ve been enjoying my running this summer. I can’t say I’m taking it that seriously, but I’m taking it seriously enough to get new running shoes and use orthotics because I’m terribly flat footed and my right foot badly over-pronate. I try to run 3 to 5 times a week, time and weather permitting, and regularly run with Louie on saturday mornings.

I wanted to encourage Louie towards a more active lifestyle so I signed us up for the Nike+ 10k Human Race. Basically Nike+ users around the globe run at key cities or affiliated running centres (like the Running Room for Toronto and other non-key cities) to raise money and set a new world record. Thankfully she didn’t get mad, and was actually interested in training for the run. We did the Terry Fox 10k last year, which we intend to do in less than 2 weeks, so we figure another race shouldn’t make much of difference. Plus, we’re actually going to do more running this time.

The Nike+ run was suppose to start at 8:30 am. It was a hot sunday morning, with the day’s high of 28 degrees celsius. Our 10k group started late because the pacer couldn’t come, so they were trying to find somebody to volunteer as pacer. Louie and I just ran our own pace, with short walk breaks in the cool shadows and mad dashes trying to outrun the heat of the sun.

Over-all it was a good experience. Although our times are nothing to boast about, we had fun. Notice my ranking - 28160. I dunno how many people participated in the run, but I hope I wasn’t dead last. LOL.

Louie and I are both looking forward to the Terry Fox run this year. I’m still contemplating whether I want to do the Scotiabank Waterfront 5k. Either way, I’d still be paying $40 bucks for it because I’ll be registering quite late. Something to think about after the next run.

Why must you hurt me, when I love you so? When I can do nothing else nor want to, for love made me and fed me and kept me in better days?

Why will you cut me, and disfigure my face, and fill me with woe? I have only loved you for your beauty as you once loved me for mine in the days before the world moved on. Now you scar me with nails and put burning quicksilver in my nose; you have set the animals on me, so you have, and they have eaten of my softest parts.

Around me the can-toi gather and there’s no peace from their laughter. Yet still I love you and would serve you and even bring the magic again, if you would allow me, for that is how my heart was cast when I rose from the Prim. And once I was strong as well as beautiful, but now my strength is almost gone.

If the torture were to stop now, I might still recover - if never my looks, then at least my strength and my kes. But another week… or maybe five days… or even three… and it will be too late. Even if the torture stops, I’ll die. And you’ll die too, for when love leaves the world, all hearts are still. Tell them of my love and tell them of my pain and tell them of my hope, which still lives. For this is all I have and all I am and all I ask.

- Sheemie Ruiz, The Dark Tower, Stephen King pg 334